Lets Talk About Sex!

I think I can officially talk about sex now without being out of context or shy about it, especially with this blog. I am an almost 27 years old married woman and yes, against the almight Catholic church, Matt and I had sex a long time before I had a ring on my finger or exchanged vows. So now that we've cleared the air with that, I can now discuss my current situation...

Last Wednesday, I had the "stomach bug." I was throwing up a majority of the early morning and passed out on the floor of the bathroom. I took a sick day and laided around a majority of the day, in my bed. I went to work for the rest of the week, still not feeling right. I felt nausous the rest of the week and really didn't have an appetite. So one of my patients called me on Friday and she asked me, "Colleen, I know you were on that tropical island the first week in January and we all know what happened. And you have felt sick for the last three days. Are you sure you're not pregnant.?" Though I didn't want to admit it, it was in the back of my mind.

I do take birth control, one to regluate my period and two, to reduce my chances of getting pregnant. On my trip to Queens last week, Kristin and I were talking about inconsistent the two of us are with taking it. Example #1: Matt found my pills on a Wednesday; packed was filled...he comes in the room and asked "Do you know what today is?" "Wednesday," I said. "According to your pills, its Sunday"...Big opps! So my inconsistency with the pill and not feeling too hot for a few days was making me nervous.

So this past weekend I was on Long Island for my grandparents 59th anniversary lunch at my house. I was in the bathroom and finally, my prayers above were answered. Aunt Flow had come to town! I let out a big Yes. I came out of the bathroom and my mom just stared at me;
" Is everything ok?"
"Matt and I thought we could have been expecting a little one but I just got my period," I said.
"I guess we should be celebrating."
"Yes, I would think so."

Please don't misinterrupt this excitement with the fact that we don't want kids. I really do want kids; 2 boys about 3 years apart and possibly with my first by the time I'm 29. These are dreams but not really realities. Kids take money and money isn't something we don't have on the side right now. 2006-2008 was dedicated to the wedding and then we bought the house so our savings has been minimal. Alot of people tell me you will never be financially ready to have children but for me, I feel the need to have some money on the side not just for the security of our kids but for security of Matt and I as well. I was always taught to put money on the side...save, save, save...pay yourself first. My father should be credited for drilling that into my head.

But to be completely honest, I am completely freaked, scared, terrified, horrified out about having children. I don't really have a reason for it; I've been searching for answers but they don't seem to come. I love kids; holding little babies and making funny noises, speaking in high pitched voices and playing peek-a-boo. Maybe someday I'll get over this fear. Maybe when there is a human life inside me my motherly instinct will kick in and the thought of being a parent will be settling, exciting and a whole journey of laugh, tears, achievements and being a kid again....

Until then, I will be sure to take my pill everyday : )